Sunday 25 March 2012

ഒരു സ്നേഹ നിധിയായ അമ്മയുടെ ത്യാഗത്തിന്റെ കഥ.

ഇത് ജപ്പാനില്‍ ഭൂമി കുലുക്കമുണ്ടായ സമയത്ത് സംഭവിച്ച ഒരു സ്നേഹ നിധിയായ അമ്മയുടെ ത്യാഗത്തിന്റെ കഥ.
ഭൂമി കുലുക്കമുണ്ടായ ശേഷം ,രക്ഷാ പ്രവര്‍ത്തനം നടത്തുന്ന സൈനികര്‍ ഒരു യുവതിയുടെ തകര്‍ന്നടിഞ്ഞ വീടിനടുത്തെത്ത്തി അപ്പോള്‍ തകര്‍ന്നടിഞ്ഞ വീടിന്റെ അവശിഷ്ട്ടങ്ങള്‍ക്കിടയിലൂടെ അവര്‍ ആ യുവതിയ്ടെ മൃത ശരീരം കണ്ടു.പക്ഷെ അവളുടെ ആ കിടത്തില്‍ അവര്‍ക്കെന്തോ ഒരു അസ്വാഭാവികത തോന്നി. മുന്നിലേക്ക് ചാഞ്ഞു നിലത്ത് നെറ്റി ക...ുത്തികൊണ്ട്, ഒപ്പം അവളുടെ രണ്ടു കൈ കൊണ്ട് എന്തോ ഒന്നിനെ മാറോട് ചേര്‍ത്ത് പിടിച്ചത്‌ പോലെ. തകര്‍ന്നടിഞ്ഞ വീടിന്റെ അവശിഷ്ട്ടങ്ങള്‍ അവളുടെ മുതുകിലും , തലയിലുമായി ചിതറികിടക്കുന്നു.

Rescue TEAM ന്റെ ലീഡര്‍ ഒരു പാട് ബുധിമുട്ടികൊണ്ട് ചുമരിലെ ഒരു ചെറിയ വിള്ളലിലൂടെ കയ്യിട്ട് ആ സ്ത്രീയെ ഒന്നെത്തി പിടിക്കാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ചു.അങ്ങനെ അദ്ദേഹം ചെയ്യുമ്പോള്‍ അദ്ദേഹത്തിന്റെ മനസ്സില്‍ ഒരു ചെറിയ പ്രതീക്ഷ ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു. ആ സ്ത്രീ ഇപ്പോഴും ജീവിച്ചിരിപ്പുണ്ട് എന്ന്.പക്ഷെ തണുത്ത് വിറങ്ങലിച്ച ആ ശരീരം കണ്ടപ്പോള്‍ അവള്‍ മരിച്ചു എന്ന് അവര്‍ക്ക്‌ ഉറപ്പായി .
ടീം ലീഡറും ബാകിയുള്ളവരും ആ വീട് വിട്ടു മറ്റു വീടുകളുടെ അവശിഷ്ട്ടങ്ങള്‍കിടയില്‍ തുടിക്കുന്ന ഏതെന്കിലും ഒരു ശരീരം കിടപ്പുണ്ടോ എന്ന് തിരയാന്‍ തുടങ്ങി.പക്ഷെ ഏതോ ഒരു കാരണം ആ ടീം ലീടരെ മരിച്ചു പോയ ആ യുവതിയുടെ വീടിന്റെ അടുക്കലേക്ക് തന്നെ തിരിച്ചു പോകാന്‍ നിര്‍ബന്ദിച്ചു,അദ്ദേഹം മുട്ട് കുത്തിനിന്ന് അവിടെ കണ്ട ഒരു ചെറിയ വിടവിലൂടെ കയ്യിട്ട് ആ ശരീരത്തിന്റെ അടിയില്‍ കണ്ട ചെറിയ സ്ഥലത്ത് തിരയാന്‍ തുടങ്ങി.പെട്ടെന്ന് ,അദ്ദേഹം ഉറക്കെ വിളിച്ചു പറയാന്‍ തുടങ്ങി ,” ഒരു കുട്ടി !ഇവിടെ ഒരു കുട്ടി ഉണ്ട്! “
എല്ലാവരും ഒരുമിച്ച് ശ്രമിച്ചു; ശ്രദ്ധയോടെ ആ സ്ത്രീയുടെ മുകളില്‍ വീണു കിടക്കുന്ന കല്ലും മണ്ണും എടുത്തു മാറ്റി.അവിടെ ആ അമ്മയുടെ ശരീരത്തിനടയില്‍ വെറും മൂന്നു മാസം മാത്രം പ്രായമുള്ള ഒരു പിഞ്ചു കുഞ്ഞ്‌,ഒരു കമ്പിളി പുതപ്പില്‍ പുതച്ച് കൊണ്ട്. തീര്‍ച്ചയായും ആ സ്ത്രീ തന്റെ ജീവന്‍ കൊടുത്ത് അവളുടെ മകനെ രക്ഷിക്കാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ചിരിക്കുന്നു.അവളുടെ വീട് തകര്‍ന്നു വീഴുമ്പോള്‍ തന്റെ ശരീരം കൊണ്ട് തന്നെ തന്റെ മകനെ രക്ഷിക്കാന്‍ ശ്രമിച്ചു.ടീം ലീഡര്‍ ആ കുഞ്ഞിനെ പോക്കിയെടുക്കുമ്പോഴും അവന്‍ ശാന്തമായി ഉറങ്ങുകയാണ്.
കുട്ടിയെ ചികില്‍സിക്കാന്‍ ഡോക്ടര്‍ ഓടി വന്നു.‍കുട്ടിയെ പുതച്ച പുതപ്പ് തുറന്നപ്പോള്‍ ഡോകടര്‍ ഒരു സെല്‍ ഫോണ്‍ കണ്ടു. അതിന്റെ സ്ക്രീനില്‍ ഒരു ടെക്സ്റ്റ്‌ മെസ്സേജ് ഉണ്ടായിരുന്നു.” രക്ഷപ്പെടുകയാണെങ്കില്‍ നീ ഓര്‍ക്കണം ഞാന്‍ നിന്നെ ഒരു പാട് സ്നേഹിച്ചിരുന്നു എന്ന്".("If you can survive, you must remember that I love you.”) ആ സെല്‍ ഫോണ്‍ ഓരോരുത്തരായി കൈമാറി എല്ലാവരും ആ മെസ്സേജ് വായിച്ചു കരഞ്ഞു.”രക്ഷപ്പെടുകയാണെങ്കില്‍ നീ ഓര്‍ക്കണം ഞാന്‍ നിന്നെ ഒരു പാട് സ്നേഹിച്ചിരുന്നു എന്ന്.” അതാണ്‌ ഒരമ്മക്ക് മക്കളോടുള്ള സ്നേഹം.
 

Monday 19 March 2012

The Christian View of Sex:


 

To observe that we live in a society that is suffering greatly from sexual confusion or, if you will, sexual misconduct, is not a novel insight. There is little need to provide a full set of statistics to demonstrate the consequences of the sexual revolution, for who is not familiar with the epidemic in teenage pregnancies, venereal diseases, divorces, and AIDS? Our society has undergone a rapid transformation in terms of sexual behavior, and few would argue that it is for the better. Today, one out of two marriages end in divorce. Six out of ten teenagers are sexually active. The millions of abortions over the last decade and the phenomenal spread of AIDS indicate that our society has serious problems with sexuality. In the last generation, the incidence of sexual activity outside of marriage – with all of its attendant problems – has double and tripled – or worse. We have no particular reason to believe that we have seen the peak of the growth in sexually related problems.
Statistics do not really capture the pervasive ills attendant upon sexual immorality. Premature and promiscuous sexuality prevent many from establishing good marriages and family life. Few deny that a healthy sexuality and a strong family life are among the most necessary elements for human happiness and well-being. While many single parents do a worthy and valiant job of raising their children, it remains sadly true that children from broken homes grow up to be adults with a greater propensity for crime, a greater tendency to engage in alcohol and drug abuse, and a greater susceptibility to psychological disorders.
These realities touch every realm of life. They affect people's ability to relate to friends and family; they affect people's ability to do well at their studies and their jobs; and they affect the whole of society, which needs stable and secure individuals to lead us out of our troubles. Those who do not experience love from family and friends tend to seek any semblance of love they can find – and thus become involved in illicit sexual relationships – and the cycle starts again. The multiple varieties of abuse of sexuality and the grievous consequences of such abuse are not only damaging the current generation, they are threatening to ruin the chances of future generations to live happy and fulfilled lives.
Twenty years ago, when the sexual revolution was in full swing, many argued that it would liberate men and women from the repressive view of sexuality pervasive in society; people would be free to make love without the strictures of marriage. Many pointed to Christianity as the source of sexual repression. But the Christian view of sex is looking a lot more like wisdom. Christians no longer need to offer apologies for their insistence upon sexual morality, for their insistence upon reserving sex for marriage. Some in high public places are now beginning to counsel abstinence before marriage and to extol faithful monogamous marriages. They have begun to see these as practices of great practical wisdom.
In a certain sense, Christian morality – especially sexual morality – is quite similar to natural or commonsense morality. One does not need to be a Christian to understand why certain sexual practices are wrong. Christians differ from unbelievers not so much in the understanding of what is moral as in their commitment to trying to live morally. A Christian understands that when he is doing wrong, he is not only violating good sense, he is violating God's law; he is failing to be the loving and responsible person, God made him to be. Thus, Christian apologetics about sex may not seem much different from commonsense apologetics about sex, but the Christian tradition has most faithfully preserved the common wisdom about sex. Clearly it is easy to “forget” or become confused about the common wisdom about sex; Christians are blessed with the powerful aid of revelation and tradition to counsel them regarding sexual morality.
Yet, despite the fact that most Christian denominations have remained steadfast in their allegiance to traditional Christian wisdom in sexual issues, few Christians have not been deeply affected by the saturation of modem culture with a view of sexuality radically opposed to the Christian view. Ten minutes of watching MTV or of a soap opera; ten minutes of listening to any rock, pop, or country music station; one visit to the corner-store magazine rack; or two minutes at the beach should serve to convince anyone that our society has very little respect for Christian moral norms regarding sexual relations. Christians, too, have begun to lose sight of the understanding of sexuality advanced by their tradition. Thus, now is the time for Christians to offer apologetics for their understanding of the role of sexual relations within human relationships. “Apologetics” is a term used to refer to the energetic attempt to explain one's position to others. But Christians, I think, need to be as concerned with providing apologetics to themselves and to fellow Christians about sex as with bringing their message to others. Both internal and external evangelization are necessary, for few, if any, can escape being adversely affected by the distortions of our times. Christians need to strengthen themselves as well as their compatriots.
Christians have to learn about their own tradition before they can become effective witnesses to those in the larger society who desperately need to encounter individuals who are in control of their sexuality and happy because of it. There are a multitude of Christian truths which can assist us in escaping the ravages of a disordered sexuality. The time seems to be ripe for making the most persuasive case we can for Christian morality. Certainly, many are ceasing promiscuous behavior because of their fear of contracting AIDS. But that is not the only reason for the growing disenchantment with the sexual revolution. Many find that their sexual encounters leave them lonely and looking for something more. There are increasing reports of sexual indifference, with many claiming to have lost an interest in sex, even with those whom they love. There seems to be an increasing weariness with premarital sex and abortion, and a growing interest in reducing both. Many are beginning to see that the call for more and better sex education or more and better access to contraceptives is not the solution. Rather, we need a better understanding of the relations between sex, love, marriage, and children. And it is this understanding that Christianity can provide. 

Three truths of sexuality
Let us focus on three fundamental truths about sexuality stressed throughout the Christian tradition: that marriage is the only proper arena for sexual activity; that marriages must be faithful for the love of spouses to thrive; and that children are a great gift to parents.
Why should sexual union only take place within a marriage? It can hardly be denied that sexual relations create powerful bonds between individuals, even between those who do not desire such bonds. Those who have sexual intercourse are engaging in an action which bespeaks a deep commitment to another. Pope John Paul II uses an interesting phrase in his teachings on sex: “language of the body.” He claims that, like words, bodily actions have meanings, and that unless we intend those meanings with our actions, we should not perform them any more than we should speak words we do not mean. In both cases, lies are “spoken.” Sexual union means `I find you attractive”; “I care for you”; “I will try to work for your happiness”; “I wish to have a deep bond with you.” Some who engage in sexual intercourse do not mean these things with their actions; they wish simply to use another for their own sexual pleasure. They have lied with their bodies in the same way as someone lies who says “I love you” to another simply for the purposes of obtaining some desired favor.
But some who engage in sexual intercourse outside of marriage claim that they do mean all that sexual union implies and that, therefore, they are not lying with their bodies. They are, though, making false promises, for those engaging in sexual intercourse outside of marriage cannot fulfill the promises which their bodily actions make. They have not prepared themselves to fulfill the promise of working for another's happiness, or of achieving a deep bond with another. Such achievements take a lifetime to complete; they cannot be accomplished in brief encounters.
The Christian insistence on reserving sexual union for marriage, then, has as one of its chief justifications a concern that sexual relations are meant to express the desire for a deep and committed relationship with another. That relationship can only be built within marriage, because marriage is built upon a vow of faithfulness to one's beloved. The Bible, especially the Old Testament, regularly condemns the sin of adultery. Faithful marriage is used as the paradigm for the kind of relationship which God's people should have with God. Those who are not faithful to God are likened to adulterers. Proverbs and the whole of wisdom literature harshly condemn the adulterous spouse. Most spouses are devastated at the mere thought that their beloved desires another, let alone that their spouse may have actually been unfaithful. Faithfulness is essential to create the relationship of trust which is the bedrock of all the other goods that flow from marriage.
We take vows in marriage because we realize that we are all too ready to give up when the going gets tough; we realize that our loves wax and wane. Indeed, society at large seems to have a fondness for marriage. After all, in an age where there is little moral pressure against living together outside of marriage, most still choose to take marriage vows. Couples realize that marriage vows help them express and effect their commitment to each other. But as the divorce rate indicates, modern society ultimately does not take these vows very seriously – or at least modern couples do not prepare for marriage in such a way that they are prepared to keep their vows. 

Preparing for marriage
A talk with a pastor, an “Engaged Encounter” weekend, or a “Pre Cana” conference does not prepare one for marriage. Real marriage preparation must occur for many years before we enter marriage. Young people enjoy the exercise of drawing up a list of characteristics that they would like their future spouse to have. But their time might be better spent drawing up a list of characteristics which they themselves should have in order to be a worthy spouse. They need to reflect upon their expectations of marriage; many may find that their expectations are largely selfish. Most of us dream much more about how happy our spouses are going to make us than about how much we are going to do for our spouses.
Since marriage requires loving, faithful, kind, patient, forgiving, humble, courageous, wise, unselfish individuals – and the list could go on – young people should strive to gain these characteristics. Marriages cannot survive unless the spouses acquire these characteristics. Certainly it would be foolish to require that individuals have all of these characteristics before they marry, for none of us do. Indeed, the experience of marriage itself undoubtedly helps foster these characteristics. But if we do not work at acquiring them before marriage, we will be acquiring their opposites – selfishness, haughtiness, impatience: characteristics that are death to a marriage.
Although faithfulness is one of the cornerstones of marriage, it may seem odd to speak of the need to be faithful to one's spouse before marriage. But in a sense, one should love one's spouse before one even meets him or her. This means reserving the giving of oneself sexually until one is married – for in a sense, one's sexuality belongs to one's future spouse as much as it does to oneself. A few generations ago, it was not uncommon for young people to speak of “saving themselves” for marriage. While scoffed at today, this phrase is nonetheless indicative of a proper understanding of love, sexuality, and marriage. One should prepare oneself for marriage, and one should save oneself for marriage.
How does one do so? Obviously, by remaining chaste – and that is not an easy prescription. For instance, it means being attentive to what provokes sexual thoughts and desires and avoiding these provocations. It means, most likely, dissociating oneself from many of the forms of entertainment popular today. Those who view sexuality as a gift which one offers one's spouse at the time of marriage cannot fall victim to the constant sexual stimulation that Americans face daily. We need to be careful what music we listen to, what movies and TV shows we watch, and what clothes we wear. We need to try to save sexual thoughts and sexual stimulation for the time when they will not be frustrations, but welcome preludes to loving union with our spouses. Sexual temptations are, of course, impossible to avoid, especially since our society provides temptations around the clock. Christ's teaching that lust in one's heart is wrong tells us that we must guard our inner purity as well as govern our actions.
Few people, Christian or not, think it sensible for those who are engaged to wait until their wedding night to enjoy sexual union. Many think waiting until marriage would make sexual intimacy too awkward. Most think that, since one is soon going to take vows, it makes little difference whether sexual intimacy begins before or after a ceremony which simply ratifies a commitment already felt.
What difference does waiting make? Well, certainly a vow is not a vow until it is spoken; unspoken, unratified commitments are all too easy to break. There are practical reasons as well. Father James Burtchaell at Notre Dame has written a marvelous book, For Better or Worse, explaining why it is best for couples to wait until marriage before they begin their sexual intimacy. He speaks eloquently of the period before marriage as an irreplaceable opportunity for lovers to get to know one another. Engaging in sexual intercourse creates a false sense of closeness; it creates a bond that may obscure elements in a relationship which need work. Courtship is a time for getting to know each other, for sketching out dreams and plans; for expressing worries and hesitations. The delight of sexual union can easily distract couples from preparation for marriage.
There is also a deeper reason, and that is the question of honesty and trust. Few of those who have sexual relations before marriage, especially Christians, can be fully open about their actions. This means that people engaging in such relationships inevitably are deceiving someone – their parents, their teachers, and perhaps their friends as well. The ability to practice such deception does not bode well for one's integrity. A woman observes that her lover is good at deception and will file away this information. She will have reason to wonder in the future if her spouse is being honest with her – after all, he had no trouble deceiving others whom he or she respected. Many Christians feel terrible guilt at violating their deeply held moral principles; after they are married, they may continue to have guilty feelings about sex. In a sense, they have programmed themselves to think of sexual intercourse as a furtive and naughty activity.
On the other hand, couples who do wait until marriage have a special kind of euphoria about their sexual union. Because they waited, they see sexual pleasure as a privileged good of marriage. They have an easier time developing a deep and abiding trust and consideration for each other. Their willingness to wait, to endure the strains of sexual continence out of love and respect for one another, is a great testimony to their strength of character. They have shown that sexual attraction is not the most important part of the relationship, and they can enjoy each other's company even when the delights of sexual union are not available to them. Such faithfulness and chastity before marriage ensure greater faithfulness and chastity during marriage. Because of pregnancy or illness or separation, all couples must abstain at some time in marriage; the acquisition of the virtue of self-mastery before marriage facilitates such abstention. 

The contraceptive mentality
Chastity before marriage – and, consequently, chastity during marriage – has been undermined by the widespread availability of contraception. Indeed, contraception seems to be one of the chief facilitators of much of the sexual misconduct of our time. There were fewer teenage pregnancies, fewer abortions, and a lesser incidence of sexually transmitted diseases before contraception became widely available. Contraception has made people feel secure that they can engage in sexual union apart from the obligations of marriage and child rearing. Yet contraceptives do not remove the responsibilities that come with the child-making possibilities of sexual intercourse, since contraceptives do not always achieve their purpose. We must help our young people to understand that they are not ready for sexual intercourse until they are ready to be parents, for sexual intercourse always brings with it the possibility of being a parent.
Getting young people to associate sex with child bearing is not easy, but it is necessary; in fact, it is important for adults to encourage young people to try to think like parents. It is good to get them thinking about what they would like to do with their children; to get them thinking about what they want to be able to provide for their children. Parents must convey to their children that they are not a burden to them, that they consider their children to be great gifts from God. Our society tends to look upon children as a burden; they are expensive, noisy, troublesome; they stand in the way of careers and adventuresome travel. This view, of course, has not stopped people from having babies, but one senses that many children are just another possession of their parents, or just another experience that adults wish to have. Many couples seem to want a few “designer children” as adornments to their lives not as reasons for their lives.
God, it seems, has a preference for children; after all, one of His first commands was to “be fruitful and multiply.” Throughout the Old Testament, having many children is listed among the signs of prosperity that indicate God's favor. Psalm 127 states “Behold, sons are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons of one's youth. Happy the man whose quiver is filled with them.” Psalm 128 is one of my favorites; it states:
Happy the man who fears the Lord, who walks in his ways! You shall eat of your hand's labor; blessed are you, and it shall be well with you. Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the recesses of your house; Your sons, like olive shoots around your table. Behold, in this way shall be blessed the man who fears the Lord.
God has arranged matters such that parents and children need each other. The experience of child rearing, like the experience of marriage, both requires and fosters many virtues. Having children generally does adults a lot of good; most find they become more selfless, patient, kind, loving, and tender when they have children. Learning to live with children has many of the same advantages of living with a spouse: it forces one to accommodate oneself to others, to acknowledge that one has constant tendencies to be selfish. Staying awake at night with children, dealing with their daily joys and sorrows, and learning to be a good example for them contributes greatly to the maturity of adults.
Recently, a relative of mine mentioned that he wanted to have a large family, but he didn't know how it would be possible to manage financially. He had noticed that I had a large number of friends who started their childbearing early and had lots of children. Few of the women are employed outside their homes. He wanted to know how they did it. I think I know the answer: they trust in God. They regularly live on the edge of things – for the first few years, they experience occasional anxiety that another child will be an undue strain on the budget, or that they will not be able to afford a car or house large enough for the growing brood, or that they may not be able to meet food and medical costs. But after a few years, they find that their needs are fulfilled. To be sure, they learn to budget and scrimp and save, they are not ashamed to take hand-me-downs, and they often learn to live a life that is a little tacky around the edges. But they lack none of their true needs and often enjoy luxuries of which they never would have dreamed. So they come to trust God and live without a lot of obvious security. Trust in God replaces the standard American understanding of perfect security: accumulating enough money and material goods to serve as a buffer against the world. With trusting and light hearts, they proceed to enjoy their growing families and to soak up the love that flows in big families. Those with large families seem to have a special generosity and hospitality about them. Guests are always welcome and interruptions seem not to be an annoyance; members of large families seem quite ready to drop everything to help someone else. Slowly but steadily, they become better Christians.
Discussions of the Christian preference for large families always seem to broach a topic which is sensitive and controversial, namely, contraception. Although the belief that contraception is not in accord with God's will has, since Humanae Vitae, been identified almost exclusively with the Catholic Church, the fact is that all Protestant denominations were opposed to contraception up until 1930. Early in this century, the Anglican Church twice condemned contraception, before passing a resolution in 1930 that its use was morally permissible for married couples. Thus, acceptance of contraception is a relatively new phenomenon. Catholics have, perhaps, preserved the teaching against contraception more faithfully, but it is not a teaching exclusive to them.
In much the same way, Protestants have more faithfully preached the necessity of tithing, a doctrine not exclusive to Protestants. Many Catholics are now rediscovering the practice of tithing at the prompting of their Protestant brethren. They have found great spiritual growth through this practice and now regularly urge their fellow Catholics to embrace this time-honored way of expressing gratitude to God and of trusting in Him. Indeed, I think the doctrine on tithing has some similarities with the teaching that in one's childbearing, one must be generous with God. Some refuse to tithe since they believe it is foolish to give away money that they think they need for their own well-being. Yet those who are committed to tithing know that, on occasion, one must give to God what one believes one needs oneself. They give to God and His causes because they know He wants them to, and they trust Him to provide. Being generous in childbearing is not very different. Many a married couple will testify that they thought having another child would be an undue hardship, only to find that having another child was a source of wonderful blessings and splendid joy to them.
Oddly enough, NFP, or natural family planning, is one of the most effective means, if not the most effective means, of planning one's family. NFP, of course, is not the outmoded rhythm method, which was based simply on the calendar. Rather, NFP is a highly scientific way of determining when a woman is fertile, based on observing various bodily signs. The statistics of its reliability rival the most effective forms of the Pill. Moreover, NFP is without the health risks and dubious moral status of contraceptives. The IUD is an abortifacient: that is, it works by causing an early-term abortion. Ovulation still occurs, and, therefore, conception may occur; the IUD then prohibits the fertilized egg, the tiny new human being, from implanting in the wall of the uterus. Most currently popular forms of the Pill work the same way. Furthermore, the Pill and the IUD have proven to be dangerous to women in many ways – and no one yet knows what the long term effects may be. So those who are opposed to abortion and those interested in protecting the well-being of women would certainly not want to use or promote these forms of contraception. The other forms, known as barrier methods, have aesthetic drawbacks or are low on reliability.
NFP no longer means “not for Protestants.” Many non-Catholics are turning to NFP as a means of family planning precisely because they do not want to use abortifacients, and they fear the physical risks of contraception. They are finding that the use of NFP has positive results for their marital relationships, for their relationship with their children, and for their relationship with God.
Many find it odd that periodic abstinence should be beneficial to a marriage. Certainly, most who begin to use NFP, especially those who were not chaste before marriage and who have used contraception, find the abstinence required to be a source of strain and a cause of considerable irritability. Abstinence, like dieting or any form of self-restraint, has its hardships; but it also has its benefits. As spouses learn to communicate better with one another, as they learn to communicate their affection in nongenital ways, and as they learn to master their sexual desires, they find a new liberation in the ability to abstain from sexual intercourse. Many find that an element of romance reenters the relationship during the times of abstinence, and an element of excitement accompanies the reuniting. Spouses using NFP find that they come to understand and respect one another more.
Spouses using NFP become very good examples to their children, especially their teenagers who may be wrestling with new and powerful sexual feelings. One man told me that his practice of NFP assisted him in being a good witness for chastity among the young men at his place of work. They would tease him about being able, as a married man, to have sex on demand, but he responded that through the use of NFP, he was required to abstain. He argued that if, night after night, he was able to sleep beside the woman he loved and not have sexual intercourse with her, they could learn to refrain from sexual intercourse with their girlfriends. He believed that parents who practice NFP could much more persuasively urge their children to be chaste before marriage.
Another reason for the enthusiasm for NFP is that couples who use it experience a greater bonding than those who use contraception. There is a more complete giving of oneself to another in a non-contracepted act of sexual intercourse. This may be why divorce is nearly non-existent among couples who practice NFP
Couples who use NFP also claim that it brings them closer to God. They believe that God made the human body and that respecting the way the human body works is a way of respecting God. They believe that contraceptives are an obstacle not only to union with their spouses but also to union with God. They believe that God is the source of love and life and that He has privileged them with being the transmitters of life through an act of love. They feel that they are leaving God space to perform His act of the creation of a new soul, if He so chooses.
Christian teaching on contraception is indissolubly linked with the Christian understanding of the need for faithful marriages and for the reservation of sexual intimacy to marriage. We should never lose sight of the link between sexual activity and childbearing. If only those who were prepared to care for children engaged in sexual relations, the modern world would experience a radical change in its sexual behavior.
Christians need to explain why faithfulness and responsibility toward children are two of the defining characteristics of marriage. Men and women today are tired of unfaithfulness, tired of shallow and brief relationships. They crave something more meaningful, something on which they can rely. Young people are sick of divorce. There is virtually no one who does not know children who have suffered greatly from divorce. Certainly many of us, because of our own foolishness, weakness, or wickedness, or because of the foolishness, weakness, or wickedness of others, may not be able to form the marriages and families which we want and need. We must trust in the grace of God to provide for all those who turn to Him for aid. Christians, who have the wisdom of the centuries, should strive to live chaste lives and to form loving marriages and families, for such is vital to their eternal salvation and such may well be vital to the temporal well-being of the whole of society.

The Issue of Pre-Marital Sex

Couple Kissing
Pre-marital Sex in the World
There is no longer any stigma attached to pre-marital sex in our society. Pop stars do it, sports stars do it, politicians do it. Hormone levels are raised by advertising, television, cinema, music and magazines.  What is discussed is not so much pre-marital sex, as non-marital sex, or even non- “heterosexual monogamous life-long relationship sex” such is the confusion and need for definition.  Pressure continues to be brought to bear upon the church to accept non-marital sexual relationships as a normal and acceptable part of modern life, especially in the context of cohabitation (as opposed to marriage).

In the world’s eyes, sex is seen in several ways:

1. Sex as "essential"
It is said that there is a natural instinct or need (akin to a hunger for food) which we all have, and that to repress it is damaging to physical and mental health.

2. Sex as "experience"       
It is said to be beneficial for people to accumulate as many different experiences of life as possible. Pre-marital sex with several different partners is said to be one of these experiences. Sex is "exciting" and is seen by some as an essential component of "a good weekend."

3. Sex as "experiment"       
It is no longer sufficient for a couple to be emotionally, spiritually or intellectually compatible. If they are really serious about each other they ought to discover whether they are sexually compatible too. In the context of cohabitation, this is sometimes seen as a "trial marriage".

4. Sex as "expression"
If two people love each other it is seen as natural for them to express that love through sex, regardless of their marital state.

5. Sex as “entertainment”
It’s free, it’s fun – let’s do it!  That seems to be the attitude many have towards “recreational sex.”

In response to these worldy attitudes, Christians can say:

Sex isn’t essential.  You’re not less than human if you are a virgin.  You’re not repressed if you wait until you’re married before sleeping with someone:  you’re sensible!  Jesus was born of a virgin, but he was also a virgin himself, while remaining a completely fulfilled and perfect human being.  And sex is not just another experience to add to one’s collection.  It’s not like going mountain climbing or sky-diving or bungee jumping – just another exciting way to spend a few hours, and nothing more.  And sex is too important to just be an experiment.  You don’t need to go “all the way” to know you’re sexually compatible with someone – if you’re a boy and they are a girl, and you’ve both got everything you’re supposed to have, then you’re compatible!  It’s not exactly complicated.

There are better ways to express your love for someone you’re not married to.  After all, it’s not very loving to have an unwanted pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease or to make someone feel as if you just want them for their body.  It is not loving to engage in any activity that displeases God.  And sex is not entertainment.  If you’re bored go to the cinema or play a computer game or go for a run – don’t misuse something as important as sex just for a bit of mindless fun.  That would be like hiring a Rolls Royce car just to pick up some shopping – a waste, a misuse of something precious, something that is far more important if used properly.  Other people’s bodies are not just toys for us to play with and then discard.

The Limits of Sex in the World
There is a tendency for Christians to assume that the world is much more sex-crazed than it actually is. It’s not quite true to say that "everybody is doing it." There remain, of course, some taboos in this area. Pre-marital sex is acceptable only within certain limits:

1. Consent - Rape is seen as totally unacceptable.

2. Age - Paedophilia is despised in society generally; very large age gaps between partners are considered odd.

3. Availability - A sexual partner ought ideally to be single or "separated."

4. Free - There is still a stigma attached to prostitution.

5. Stability - High levels of promiscuity and "bed-hopping" are frowned upon.

6. Safety - Sex ought to be "safe" (barrier methods of contraception should be used) given the risk of disease and pregnancy.

7. Meaning - It is best if sex is "meaningful" in the context of a relationship, unless it is a one-night-stand or infidelity, in which case it ought to be meaningless!

These limits are widely accepted in society.  That there must be limitations on sexual activity is not at issue; what people object to is more specifically the limit (or context) which God sets for sex: it is only for a heterosexual, monogamous life-long marriage.  Or, we might say, it is God’s wedding present to husband and wife.



Pre-Marital Sex: A Christian Response
A Christian asks an older friend, "Does the Bible say I can’t have sex before I’m married?" They search through the whole Bible... Their conclusion is that there isn’t a verse in the Bible which says, "Thou shalt not have sex before marriage." So it’s OK? As with all theology and ethics, the case is not built upon one single verse or argument. We will spend most time on the Biblical arguments, since these are most often neglected in favour of the pragmatic and cultural ones in contemporary debate. For more on all these, see the Bibliography. These are the six main lines of argument:

1. Biblical
Given that there is no single text explicitly banning this activity, how do we know what the Bible says?

Genesis 2:24    

Marriage is instituted by God at the very start of biblical history. The order of this verse is important - leave, cleave then one flesh (which is physical and spiritual union - not just sex, but not less than that). The positive teaching is that the physical creation is good, sex is good (and pre-fall). Note that the cause of the Fall is not sex (it’s to do with the knowledge of good and evil, not knowledge of each other!).

Deuteronomy 22:13-29      

Several important things emerge from this chapter. First, virginity at the time of marriage is expected. Second, sex before marriage is termed "a disgraceful act" in verse 21 and is taken very seriously indeed. The verb translated "prostituted herself" is zãnãh (see below). Third, pre-marital sex, even if it is between two consenting adults, is considered wrong (verses 23-24) Notice that in this case the "engaged-married" distinction is almost non-existent. Fourthly, sex before marriage must lead to marriage (v.28-29).

1 Corinthians 6-7      

In 6:12-20 Paul combats a sharp dualism between body (which apparently doesn’t matter) and spirit (which is supposedly unaffected by physical things). Casual sex is definitely not as trivial as satisfying a physical hunger (verse 13). Bodies are important because God has bought them and will raise them. Note that pre-marital sex is not a mini-marriage, but it is encroaching upon the holy ground of marriage in an unacceptable way. Physical union should not take place outside of a “one flesh” (i.e. marriage) union.  The point is that to be united with someone other than one’s spouse (in this case, a non-Christian, and more specifically, a prostitute) is to tear oneself away from Christ with whom we are spiritually united as Christians; Paul is not intending to say that every illicit sexual encounter creates a new marriage (see Calvin’s commentary on 1 Corinthians 6:16).

But it is not just prostitution that is addressed here, or just dualism either. In chapter 7 Paul addresses the situation of two unmarried Christians who are burning with passion (7:8-9) who should either exercise self-control or get married (cf. verses 36-38). The underlying assumptions are the same as those in Deuteronomy 22.

It could be argued that the Bible never addresses the modern dilemma of two Christians who love each other and want to have sex before marriage, because these two significant words porneia and zãnãh actually refer to prostitution not pre-marital sex. Zãnãh is translated by porneia in the LXX, and they are roughly equivalent terms. These words are used in descriptions of prostitution (indeed zãnãh occurs most often in metaphorical descriptions of Israel’s “whoredom" with idolatry). However, they do not just refer to prostitution.

See the relevant dictionary articles for more details: Eg. in NIDOTTE: "In the OT, fornication describes illicit sex by a female that violates a relationship with a male, either a husband or a father... In many cases illicit sex, not sex for hire, is in view." and in NIDNTT: "In the Pauline writings the word group pornê denotes any kind of illegitimate sexual intercourse." (see bibliography).  See these verses (and contexts) for use of porneia: Mat 5:19; Acts 15:20; Gal 5:19; Eph 5:3; 1Thess 4:3; Rev 9:21.

The word “fornication” has gone out of fashion and is not in common use to describe non-marital sex.  However, it is an excellent translation for porneia, which basically referred to any kind of sex outside of marriage, be it gay or straight, prostitution, incest, or bestiality.  This has been contested (see the debate between B. Malina and J. Jensen in Nov.Test. 14 (1972) and 20 (1978)) but the overwhelming weight of scholarship and all the available evidence from the ancient world points firmly in this direction.  “Flee sexual immorality (porneia) and pursue self-control” (cf. 1 Thess 4:1-8) was the straightforward message to Christians in a sex-crazed world.

2. Theological
Theological arguments revolve around the covenant of marriage as the proper context for sexual activity and the parallel of marriage with the relationship between God and his people. Pre-marital sex is wrong, as Ortlund says, because "it toys with the biblical mystery" and violates it. (R.C. Ortlund, Whoredom, page 173). Roman Catholic arguments from natural law state that it is contrary to the purpose of sex (procreation, and education of resulting child).

3. Traditional
If we are left unconvinced by biblical and theological arguments then the fact that pre-marital sex has always been held to be wrong by Christians through the centuries must have some weight in our thinking. Whilst it is dangerous to believe something simply because it is the traditional view, the burden of proof is upon anyone who would challenge the consensus of several millennia.

4. Societal
Since pre-marital sex is not part of God’s design for the universe, and marriage is a creation ordinance (i.e. not just for Christians), it follows that avoiding pre-marital sex is not just the best way for Christians but for non-Christians also. Biblical arguments to this effect will probably not convince the non-Christian mind, but there is a great deal of evidence that pre-marital sex undermines the foundations of a stable society, for which trust, stability, marriage and family, equality and self-control are vital. The emotional strain of "serial monogamy," the risk of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease, for example, show the rational nature of the argument against pre-marital sex.

5. Pragmatic
Any Christian argument against pre-marital sex ought to start from the Bible and not from pragmatic concerns. Pragmatic considerations can, however, play a part in the persuasive presentation of the case.

A. Consequences

What if you get pregnant? What about sexually transmitted disease? Note however, that this is a limited argument given the widespread belief in "safe sex". It must be pointed out that even if the unpleasant consequences of pre-marital sex can be avoided, this does not determine whether it is right or wrong: otherwise we may as well argue that stealing is OK as long as you don’t get caught!

B. Emotional Strain   

Sex is an emotional activity, and it hurts to be often breaking-up with sexual partners. For engaged couples who have waited this long, it is better to wait until you are married for sex, because you never know what might happen before the "big day."

C. Baggage    

How would you feel if they ended up married to someone else? Or if you do? How would you feel if you had to confess to several previous partners when you get married? Pre-marital sexual experience can lead to unhealthy memories and comparisons in marriage. It may also lead to lack of trust in marriages during periods of sexual inactivity (pregnancy, enforced separation due to work etc.) as couples wonder whether spouses will be able to resist temptation, when they failed before.

D. Apostasy    

There are countless anecdotes of Christians who fell away from the faith because of pre-marital sexual activity. This may be for many indirect reasons: a faulty view of the Bible which led to a wrong view of sex and other doctrines; a lack of self-control in this area which infected the rest of their Christian life; a hardening of the heart due to the inability to desist from behaviour they knew to be wrong; an unhealthy preoccupation with sex or sexual partners at the expense of the nurture of their faith. It is untrue that pre-marital sex will inevitably lead to backsliding, but it is dangerous.

E. Sexual Evangelism

One argument for dating non-Christians is that it may predispose them or help them to become Christians. Dating non-Christians can involve pre-marital sex, as they do not necessarily share the same view of sex, and they do not have the same reasons or strength for resisting the temptation in any case. Sexual evangelism is never taught in the Bible! And notwithstanding the occasional anecdote, it hardly ever works.

F. Self-Control

Self-control is something we must exercise in all things, sexual and otherwise. Self-control in this area may well be the litmus test of how well we are doing in others.

6. Cultural
In a Christian sub-culture, such as seminary / theological college, or a Christian family or a Church Youth Group, it can be a powerful argument against pre-marital sex that no-one in the group is doing it (or at least, talks about it). When pre-marital sex is spoken of in other contexts with no holds barred and with little restraint on its practice, the alternative atmosphere of such a sub-culture can be a welcome example and a motivating factor in resisting temptation. It may also indicate that there are other more important things to consider in relationships: which the world is only dimly aware of sometimes. We must not mistake the absence of "chatter" (or boasting) about pre-marital sex with the absence of its practice: in many Christian sub-cultures it can and does thrive under the surface while a superficial veneer of piety wards off prying eyes. We must not be naive about this - it does happen. Single seminary students have even been known to sleep with the wives of other students.  Even ministers have to resign every year, sadly, because of sexual misconduct.  But a Christian atmosphere can provide a way of bringing such activity out into the open or at least of convicting those involved of their sin and bringing them to repentance.



Pastoral Responses
1. Pastoral Preaching and Teaching
We cannot assume that the biblical and theological understanding of sex, and of the body generally, is properly understood by everyone. In the pulpit, and in marriage preparation, such teaching must be positive as well as negative. Sex is a good thing, created by God to be enjoyed in its proper context - it is not intrinsically evil or “un-spiritual.” This is a prophylactic against a wrong view or use of sex. It is also vital that our teaching is sensitive to human frailty and weakness. Christians are not spiritual superheroes who can rise above any and all temptations in the blink of an eye. We must be careful not to foster the notion that we are beyond temptation or that we do not sin.

2. Self-Justification
The in-built capacity we all have for self-justification is particularly evident in the area of sexuality. The counsellor must be aware of several self-justification techniques often used by Christians, and develop ways of addressing them:

Blind-spot tactic: "The Bible isn’t clear on the issue."

Minimizing tactic: "Sex before marriage isn’t the unforgivable sin!"

Presumption tactic: "God will forgive me - that’s his job."

Sola Scriptura tactic: "Where’s the verse that says it’s wrong? It’s just tradition!"

Super-Spiritual tactic: "I am free to live as the Spirit leads, and he hasn’t told me this is wrong."

Antinomian tactic: "I don’t live by Law anymore."

Self-Pity tactic: "I’m so weak! I can’t help it!"

Evasion tactic: "Well, we’re all sinners aren’t we? What makes me any worse than you?"

Blame-Shift tactic: "I was seduced!" or "God didn’t give me the strength to resist."

Dualist tactic: "It doesn’t matter what I do physically. It’s the Spirit that’s important.

I still go to Church, read Christian books, and evangelize my friends..."

Several of these tactics are, at root, theological problems which need to be dealt with on a theological as well as a pastoral level. Indeed, to persuade someone that pre-marital sex is wrong but to leave them with a dualistic theology of the body, would be bad pastoral practice, as the theology will inevitably cause more problems in the future.

3. Forgiveness
It is important to teach the doctrine of justification clearly, so that a Christian who sins in this area is aware of the offer of forgiveness. We must help people to avoid superstitious notions about God "punishing" Christians who sin sexually. Christians must know how to repent, and be assured that there is real forgiveness. New Christians need to be aware that they have been given a completely fresh start and that their slate has been truly wiped clean.

4. Wisdom
Some Christian groups have rather tight rules and regulations for dating couples, which can become legalistic. While wanting to avoid the burden of asceticism (which can be counter-productive), there are various ways in which dating couples can be advised to "flee fornication." Specifics will depend to some extent on cultural norms (chaperones are unusual nowadays). It is always good to encourage the development of elements in a relationship other than physical.

5. Discipline
What can a pastor do to discourage immorality? Church discipline is a difficult practice, which must be handled very carefully. Temporary excommunication of the unrepentant can backfire. Church discipline cannot be exercised in isolation from good biblical teaching, sensitive pastoral care and the possibility of complete restoration to fellowship.  That being said, however, to implicitly sanction ongoing pre-marital sexual relationships (e.g. by accepting cohabitees into full membership or even leadership within the local church) would be a serious error, likely to lead in the medium to long-term to the liberalisation of sexual standards throughout the fellowship.

6. Consequences
Sin always has consequences, and in this area they can be very serious. The counsellor who wishes to avoid abortion (for example) must be aware of the problems associated with unwanted pregnancies, and if we are to encourage marriage then we must be sensitive to the cultural pressures of widespread cohabitation. Rape counselling can be especially difficult if there is a baby involved as well as the emotional and physical distress of the crime itself. Though less serious, there are also issues relating to sexually transmitted disease to think about. Even when there are no physical consequences to worry about, however, there may be spiritual and emotional scars to deal with.

7. Marriage Problems
Research shows that couples who engage in pre-marital sex are more likely in the long-term to divorce, although there is not necessarily a direct causal link (see Kahn and London, "Premarital Sex and the Risk of Divorce" in Journal of Marriage and Family (1991) 53:845-855). For Christians there may be problems associated with regret or guilt, or emotional difficulties as a result of the honest disclosure of past transgression. These are potentially easier to deal with in the context of a loving Christian marriage, but may not disappear overnight.

What is the Christian view on premarital sex?


Premarital sex is not one of the things that are recommended by the Bible. It's called fornication and when you start talking about premarital sex then there's a whole range of sexual behaviors that could be involved. This range of sexual behaviors outside of marriage are all forbidden for a Christian because there are psychological consequences - just like when a person has an abortion. I've had opportunities to counsel people that have had abortions and sometimes 10-15 years later they still have regret and guilt. Same thing with having sex without having a legitimate relationship - it impacts the behavior and the psyche of those who are involved whether they are men or women. Some would say, "What about the folks in the Old Testament, for instance Solomon said he had 300 wives and 700 concubines. What about that kind of a relationship?" Well, I believe that in certain times God let certain things happen. They happened because there had not been any rules necessarily established against them. When Jesus came he changed some of the ways that humanity related to early humanity. It does not mean for us to have a whole bunch of relations and I believe it has led to more and more sexually transmitted diseases. Some would say that AIDS has come as a result of premarital sex to deal with homosexuality and other kinds of sex that are not oriented toward human beings at all. So, premarital sex is not one of the things that the Bible teaches that Christians should be involved with. 

Is it Okay for Christians to Engage in Premarital Sexual Relations Before Marriage?

Introduction

Common "wisdom" says that living together in a "trial marriage" is a good way to determine if couples are compatible before marriage. A companion paper, based upon scientific studies, shows that this idea is false. Many Christians seem to have bought into the secular idea that as long as one is "in love" it doesn't matter if couples live together (and engage in premarital sex). The problem is that many times "love" fails, and Christians end up moving from one relationship to another. This paper examines what the Bible says about living together before marriage, for those who claim to be Christians.

Biblical love isn't a feeling

Most people think that love is that elated, "high" feeling we get when we "fall in love." This kind of "love" is something that lasts typically less than a year. Most couples decide to live together during this period of time when their decisions are often based upon emotions and passions. According to the Bible love "rejoices with the truth... always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres... never fails"1 One will notice from this description that love isn't what you get from someone, it is something you give to someone. The Bible confidently says that love never fails, because as long as these things are done, love cannot fail. However, if we are interested in getting rather than giving, then selfishness always succeeds in shipwrecking a relationship.

Sexual relationships and the Bible

The doctrine of keeping sexual relationships within the bounds of marriage is so important that it is spelled out in the second chapter of the first book of the Bible (Genesis 2). The marriage covenant is spelled out in the original narrative that describes the meeting of the first man and first woman:
For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)
The Bible actually encourages married couples to enjoy their sexual relationships within marriage.2 The New Testament confirms that sexual relations within a marriage is not sinful. Paul says that those who marry have not sinned.3 The writer of the book of Hebrews states, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure,"4 indicating that sexual relations within marriage are "pure" and not sinful.

Old Testament laws about sex

The Bible has a lot of bad things to say about being a harlot.5 In fact, it was so frowned upon in Jewish society that, among all the laws in the Old Testament, spiritual unfaithfulness (idolatry) is compared to harlotry.6 These days, people tend to think of harlots as those who engage in multiple sexual relationships. However, the Old Testament indicates that engaging in even one sexual relationship before marriage (i.e., not being a virgin) makes one a harlot.7 Engaging in consensual sexual relations with a married person was a capital offense, and those who were found guilty (both the male and female) were executed.8 Consensual sexual relations between an unmarried man and unmarried woman resulted in the man being fined and required to marry the woman without the possibility of any future divorce.9 Essentially, there was no premarital sex, since once you were caught you were married.

New Testament laws about sex

The New Testament confirms the laws of the Old Testament. Specifically, adultery is condemned,10even including mental adultery,11 incest,12 and homosexuality.13 Other sexual sins, including premarital sex, are condemned through a couple Greek words (the original language of the New Testament) that can refer to a number of sexual sins, depending upon context. These words are porneia14 and pornos,15 from which the English word "pornography" is derived. English Bibles will translate these words different ways, so it is important to know some of the ways in which the words are translated. For example, the New American Standard translates the words as "fornication"16 (e.g., premarital sexual relations) and sometimes as "immoral persons,"17 which seems to be some kind of generic immorality, although it specifically refers to sexual immorality. Other English words used to describe premarital sex include "unchastity."18 The fact that these words refer to premarital sexual relations can be seen in the Pharisees answer to Jesus, where they insinuated that He was born of fornication.16 The severity of this kind of sin can be seen in the descriptions of what will happen to people who practice sexual immorality at the judgment.17
The New Testament directly states that sexual activity is to be restricted to marriage in the book of Hebrews, where it condemns both adultery (engaging in sexual relations with a non-spouse while married) and fornication (engaging in sexual relations before marriage):
Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. (Hebrews 13:4)

Conclusion Top of page

Premarital sexual relationships are strongly condemned in both the Old Testament and New Testament of the Bible. Therefore, Christians who engage in premarital sex are breaking God's laws and are not following Jesus Christ. Under such practices, God is not honored, and both yours and your partner's walk with Christ is hampered. In addition, one's witness for Jesus is nullified, since even non-believers know that living together before marriage is not what a Christian should do. If you are involved in this kind of relationship, you need to repent and start living according to biblical standards. It is not okay for a Christian to keep living a sinful lifestyle, including sexual intimacy before marriage.

Premarital sex high among youth today!


 
young adults who take a vow of virginity as adolescents are as likely to be infected with sexually transmitted diseases as those who do not take virginity pledges, according to researchers at the Yale and Columbia University, United States of America.
The virginity pledges may even encourage higher risk sexual behaviour among young adults, say study authors Hannah Breckner, assistant professor of sociology at Yale University, and Peter Bearman, professor of sociology at Columbia University.
"We were surprised by the findings," said Breckner. "Pledgers have fewer sex partners than non-pledgers. They start having sex later and they marry earlier, so they should have lower STD rates, but they don't," he added.
One reason is that sexually active pledgers were less likely to use condoms at first sex than non-pledgers. Breckner and Bearman also note that pledgers were less likely to seek and obtain STD-related health care, possibly because of increased stigmatisation or misperception of infection risk among pledgers.
"If pledgers have infections for longer periods of time than non-pledgers, this is a reason for concern," said Breckner.
The authors said even though pledgers used condoms at the same rate as non-pledgers, the fact that they were less likely to use condoms earlier could be the why their STD rates remain high since they are less likely to be diagnosed.
Sexual trends in India [ Images ], according to statistics presented by Avishkaar, a counselling clinic in Mumbai [ Images], threw up some alarming facts:
~ The all India occurrence of STDs in the age group of 18 to 30 is as high as 48 to 52 per cent!
Of this, approximately 60 per cent hail from the lower strata of society where there is a lack of awareness about safe sex. The figure is approximately 20 per cent among the middle and upper classes.
~ Premarital sex among 18- to 20-year-olds in metros is as high as 65.6 per cent amongst girls and 63.3 amongst boys.
The following reasons usually spark off such behaviour:
  • People of this age are more prone to impulsive behaviour.
  • Emotional instability and the use of sexual gratification as a means of relief. 
  • Peer pressure.
~ Extramarital affairs amongst married couples in the age group of 18 to 30 is as high as 10 to12 per cent. Post-30, this figure increases due to the onset of boredom in marriages.
Malini Shah, a youth counsellor, says, "Premarital sex is on the rise across all stratas especially in the metros. However, in the middle classes and upper middle classes, these issues are still considered taboo and are done clandestinely. Among the upper middle classes, it is being accepted as a lifestyle trend."
With sexual promiscuity on the rise, it is important to understand the risks involved in having multiple partners as well as premarital sex.
Dr Duru Shah, a consulting obstetrician and gynaecologist, who runs a clinic and consults with the Breach Candy Hospital, Jaslok Hospital and HN Hospital, Mumbai, offers some facts and tips: 
i. When it comes to STDs, only 'barrier' contraceptives work. Thus one has to use a condom, as opposed to pills which are oral contraceptives.
ii. Women must insist that male partners use a condom.
iii. A condom especially designed for women is also available. However, it may not prove to be very comfortable. It is also more expensive (approximately Rs 65), than the male condom and is not easily available even in the metros.
iv. In spite of using a condom, the risk of infection when having sexual intercourse with an infected person is very high.
The casualty rate when using oral contraceptive like pills to prevent pregnancy is one in a thousand. Condoms are ten times less likely to work than pills.
v. For those who have multiple partners, be very discreet when choosing partners.

Pre-marital sex: Girls like to keep mum


 
While the report notes that pre-marital sexual activity is clearly more common among men, some differences may reflect due to "over-reporting among males and under-reporting among females".
The report "Actions that protect: promoting sexual and reproductive behaviour and choice among young women in India" is authored by Shireen J Jejeebhoy and Mary Philip Sebastian.
There are an estimated 300 million young people (aged 10-24) in India of which adolescents (aged between 10-19) and youth (aged 15-24) represent one-third of the population.
They are by far healthier than any other age group and many of them are economically active but continue to be poorly educated, giving them opportunity but little reliable information about sex.
Evidence suggests that among young people who are sexually active before marriage, sexual debut occurs in late adolescence.
"There is also evidence to suggest that several more anticipate sexual activity in the foreseeable future: for example, while 15-17% young males in a Lucknow slum reported sexual activity, some 38% reported anticipating a sexual encounter in the next six months," the report says.
Studies also suggest that sexual behaviour falls along a continuum: from non-penetrative activities like hand-holding, kissing and touching to intercourse.
The report cites a study of low income college students in Mumbai that shows 26% of young men and 3% of young women reported penetrative sex, while many more, 49% and 13% respectively, reported other forms of physical intimacy.
The study however rubbishes the theory that certain areas in the country have high prevalence of casual sex relations.
"There does not seem to be regional concentration in the percentage of adolescents reporting high levels of casual sexual relations," it summarises.
A specific study in Pune district found urban youngsters were more sexually active than rural ones. The survey covered 8,595 married and unmarried men and women, aged 15-24 in Pune district.
An urban slum in Pune and a rural site covering 90 villages, both with a population of about 1 lakh each, were selected.
It was found that despite strict parental supervision and norms that discourage premarital inter-sex friendship, partnerships were formed that lead to sexual relations by 15-30% of men and 10% of women.

What the Bible Says About... Sex


Sex is a Good Thing

What? Sex is a good thing? Well, God created sex. He created man and woman to create babies. The Bible says that sex is a way for a husband and wife to express their love for one another. Yes, “husband and wife.” God did create sex to be a beautiful and enjoyable expression of love, but only between a man and wife.
Genesis 1: 27-28 – “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number;” (NIV)
Genesis 2:24 – “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” (NIV)
Proverbs 5:18-19 – “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer — may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.” (NIV)
Song of Songs 7:6 – “How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights!” (NIV)
1 Corinthians 6:13 – “The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body.” (NIV)

So, Sex is Good, but Premarital Sex is Not?

Right. There is a lot of talk going on around you about sex. Sex is in just about every magazine, newspaper, television show, and movie. It is the point of a lot of music. Our world has gotten lax about sex, making it seem like premarital sex is okay because it feels good, but the Bible does not agree. God calls us all to control our passions and wait for marriage.
1 Corinthians 7:2-3 – “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (NIV)
Hebrews 13:4 – “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” (NIV)
1 Thessalonians 4:3-4 – “It is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable” (NIV)

What if I’ve Already Had Sex?

Everyone falls to sin in some area or another. If your area happens to be sex, there is still hope. While you cannot become a virgin again, you can obtain God’s forgiveness. You just have to ask for it and try not to sin that way again. What truly angers God is willful sin, when you know you are sinning and keep on participating in that sin. While giving up sex may be difficult, God calls us to remain sexually pure until marriage.
Acts 13:38-39 – “Therefore, my brothers, I want you to know that through Jesus the forgiveness of sins is proclaimed to you. Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses.” (NIV)
Romans 1:24 – “Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another.” (NIV)

But It’s So Tempting!

As a Christian you fight off temptation every day. Being tempted is not the sin, but giving into the temptation is. So how do you fight off the temptation? The desire to have sex can be very strong, especially if you have already had sex. It is only by relying on God for strength that you can truly fight off the temptation to have sex.
1 Corinthians 10:13 – “No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (NIV)
To observe that we live in a society that is suffering greatly from sexual confusion or, if you will, sexual misconduct, is not a novel insight. There is little need here to provide a full set of statistics to demonstrate the consequences of the sexual revolution, for who is not familiar with the epidemic in teenage pregnancies, venereal diseases, divorces, AIDS, etc.? Our society has been undergoing a rapid transformation in terms of sexual behavior and few would argue that it is for the better. For instance, today one out of two marriages end in divorce. Six out of ten teenagers are sexually active. The millions of abortions over the last decade and the phenomenal spread of AIDS alone indicate that our society has serious problems with sexuality. The statistics of ten years ago were bad enough; many thought things could hardly get worse--as did many twenty years ago, and thirty years ago. In the last generation the incidence of sexual activity outside of marriage and all the attendant problems has doubled and tripled--or worse. We have no particular reason to believe that we have seen the peak of the growth in sexually related problems.
Statistics do not really capture the pervasive ills attendent upon sexual immorality. Premature and promiscuous sexuality prevent many from establishing good marriages and a good family life. Few deny that a healthy sexuality and a strong family life are among the most necessary elements for human happiness and well-being. It is well attested that strong and secure families are more likely to produce strong and secure individuals; they produce individuals less likely to have problems with alcohol, sex, and drugs; they produce individuals more likely to be free from crippling neuroses and psychoses. Since healthy individuals are not preoccupied with their own problems, they are able to be strong leaders; they are prepared to tackle the problems of society. While many single parents do a worthy and valiant job of raising their children, it remains sadly true that children from broken homes grow up to be adults with a greater propensity for crime, with a greater tendency to engage in alcohol and drug abuse, with a greater susceptibility to psychological disorders.
These realities affect every realm of life--they affect people's ability to relate to friends and family; they affect people's ability to do well at their studies and their jobs; they affect the whole of society which needs stable and secure individuals to lead us out of our troubles. And those who do not experience love from family and friends tend to seek any semblance of love they can find--and thus become involved in illicit sexual relationships--and the cycle starts again. The multiple varieties of abuse of sexuality and the grievous consequences of such abuse, then, is not only damaging the current generation, it is threatening to ruin the chances of future generations to live happy and fulfilled lives.
Twenty years ago when the sexual revolution was beginning to be in full swing, many argued that the value of the sexual revolution was that it was going to liberate men and women from the repressive view of sexuality pervasive in society; people would be free to make love to those whom they loved without the strictures of marriage. Many pointed to Christianity as the source of sexual repression. But the Christian view of sex, once considered a distorted view of sexuality, is now beginning to look a lot more like wisdom. Christians no longer need to offer apologies for their insistence upon sexual morality, for their insistence upon reserving sex for marriage. Some in high public places are now beginning to counsel abstinence before marriage and to extol faithful monogamous marriages. They have begun to see these as practices of great practical wisdom. Christians, of course, have long recognized the practical value of chastity and fidelity but have also recognized them as practices in accord with God's will for mankind.
In a certain sense, Christian morality--especially in regard to sexual morality--is quite similar to natural morality or common sense morality. One does not need to be a Christian to understand why certain sexual practices are wrong. Christians differ from unbelievers not so much in the understanding of what is moral and immoral as in their commitment to trying to do what is moral. Christians understand that when they are doing wrong they are not only violating good sense, they are violating God's law; they are failing to be the loving and responsible persons God made them to be. Thus, Christian apologetics about sex may not seem much different from common sense apologetics about sex, but it is the Christian tradition which has most faithfully preserved the common wisdom about sex. Clearly it is easy to "forget" or become confused about the common wisdom about sex; Christians are blessed with the powerful aid of revelation and tradition to keep them straight on what constitutes sexual morality.
Yet, although most Christian denominations have remained steadfast in their allegiance to traditional Christian wisdom in sexual issues, few Christians have not been deeply affected by the saturation of our modern cultural forms with a view of sexuality radically opposed to the Christian view. Ten minutes of watching MTV or of a soap opera, ten minutes of listening to any rock, pop or country western music station, one visit to the corner store magazine rack, or two minutes at the beach should serve to convince the most skeptical that our society has very little respect for the Christian moral norms regarding sexual relations. Christians, too, have begun to lose sight of the understanding of sexuality advanced by their tradition. Thus, now is the time for Christians to offer apologetics for their understanding of the role of sexual relations within human relationships. "Apologetics" is a term used to refer to the energetic attempt to explain one's position to others. But Christians, I think, need to be as concerned with providing apologetics or explanations to themselves and fellow Christians about sex as they need to bring their message to others. Both internal and external evangelizing are necessary, for few if any can escape being adversely affected by the distortions of our times. Christians need to strengthen themselves as well as their compatriots.
Christians have much to learn about their own tradition before they can become effective witnesses to those in the larger society who desperately need to encounter individuals in control of their sexuality and happy because of it. There are a multitude of Christian truths which bear upon sexuality and which would assist Christians and others in escaping the ravages of a disordered sexuality. The time seems to be ripe for making the most persuasive case we can for Christian morality. Certainly, many are ceasing to pursue promiscuous relationships because of their fear of contracting AIDS. But this is not the only reason for the growing disenchantment with the sexual revolution. Many find themselves lonely after their sexual encounters and are looking for something more. There are increasing reports of sexual indifference; many claim to have lost an interest in sex, even with those whom they love. And, while many may not have moral objections to premarital sex and abortion, there seems to be an increasing weariness with these phenomena and an increasing interest in reducing both. Many are beginning to see that the call for more and better sex education, or more and better access to contraceptives is not the solution. Rather, we need a better understanding of the relation of sex, love, marriage, and children. And it is this understanding that I think Christianity can provide.
Here let us focus on three fundamental truths about sexuality stressed throughout the Christian tradition; 1) that marriage is the proper arena for sexual activity; 2) that marriages must be faithful for the love of spouses to thrive; and 3) that children are a great gift to spouses. Christian teaching about sexuality also provides guidelines for those with homosexual leanings, and for discerning the morality of a whole host of sexual practices. Here I shall focus primarily upon the Christian understanding of marriage, for if we grasp the basics of this understanding, the implications for most other kinds of sexual activity are fairly clear.
Those attempting to provide apologetics or explanations should have a sense of the needs and views of their audience. As has been suggested above, it is safe to assume that modern Americans have a casual notion of sex; they think it is natural for those who love one another to engage in sexual union, whether married or not, and often whether of the same sex or not. But most have begun to see that happiness is rarely achieved through promiscuity; they have begun to acknowledge that premarital sex has done little to ensure good marriages; they fear that teenage sex and abortions may cause lifetime scars on young people's psyches. To these people we must make the case that happiness, true intimacy, and sexual fulfillment are more naturally found within faithful marriages.
What are the reasons for saying that it is appropriate for sexual union to take place only within marriage? It is hardly deniable that sexual union creates powerful bonds between individuals, even often among those who do not desire such bonds. Those who have sexual intercourse with each other are engaging in an action which bespeaks a deep commitment to the other. The current pope uses an interesting phrase in his teachings on sex--and that is the term "language of the body", which is not so very different from our "body language." He claims bodily actions have meanings much as words do and that unless we intend those meanings with our actions we should not perform them any more than we should speak words we don't mean. In both cases, lies are being "spoken." Sexual union has a well- recognized meaning; it means "I find you attractive"; "I care for you"; "I will try to work for your happiness"; "I wish to have a deep bond with you." Some who engage in sexual intercourse do not mean these things with their actions; they wish simply to use another for their own sexual pleasure. They have lied with their bodies in the same way as someone lies who says "I love you" to another simply for the purposes of obtaining some desired favor.
But some engaging in sexual intercourse outside of marriage claim that they mean all that sexual union means and that therefore they are not lying with their bodies. They are, though, making false promises, for those engaging in sexual intercourse outside of marriage cannot fulfill the promises their bodily actions make. They have not prepared themselves to fulfill the promise of working for another's happiness, or achieving a deep bond with another. For such achievements take a lifetime to complete; they cannot be accomplished in brief encounters.
The existence of the institution of marriage acknowledges the importance of love for the happiness of human beings, the importance of the lifetime unconditional love that marriage facilitates. Humans flourish when they bask in the love of others. Love nourishes human goodness like no other force. For instance, love assists us in feeling secure in ourselves; it gives us the confidence to dare to exercise our talents; it gives us the assurance to reach out to others in love. Love also serves to heal past wounds. Love in almost any form can promote these and other great benefits to mankind, but marital love provides special benefits. Human beings are complicated and are not easily known by themselves or others; a lifetime relationship with another seems hardly time enough to get to know another. Sexual intimacy plays a major role in the revealing of one person to another. Sexual intimacy provides an opportunity for giving oneself to another in an exclusive way. Only in marriage can sexual intimacy achieve the goals it is meant to serve.
The Christian insistence on reserving sexual union for marriage, then, has as one of its chief justifications a concern that sexual union is meant to express the desire for a deep and commited relationship with another. That relationship can only be built within marriage for marriage is built upon a vow of faithfulness to one's beloved. The Bible, especially the Old Testament, regularly condemns the sin of adultery. Faithful marriage is used regularly as the paradigm for the kind of relationship which God's people should have with God. Those who are not faithful to God are likened to adulterers. Proverbs and the whole of wisdom literature harshly condemns the adulterous spouse. Most spouses are devastated at the mere thought that their beloved desires another, let alone that their spouse may have actually been unfaithful. Faithfulness is essential to create the relationship of trust which is the bedrock of all the other goods that flow from marriage.
We take vows in marriage because we realize that we are all too ready to give up when the going gets tough; we realize that our loves wax and wane. Indeed, society at large seems to have a fondness for marriage. After all, in an age where there is little moral pressure against living together outside of marriage, most still choose to take marriage vows. Couples realize that marriage vows help them express and effect the commitment they feel for each other. But as the divorce rate indicates, modern society ultimately does not take these vows very seriously--or at least modern couples do not prepare for marriage in such a way that they are prepared to keep their vows.
Let me speak for a moment about marriage preparation. I am not speaking here of the engagement encounter weekend, the talk with the pastor or the pre-cana conference in which engaged couples participate. I am speaking about the kind of preparation which we must do for ourselves for many years before we enter marriage. Many young people enjoy the exercise of drawing up a list of characteristics they would like their future spouse to have. But their time would be better spent drawing up a list of characteristics which they themselves should have in order to be a worthy marriage partner. They need, too, to reflect upon their expectations of marriage; many may come to see that their expectations are largely selfish. Most of us dream much more about how happy our spouses are going to make us rather than about how much we are going to do for our spouses.
Since marriage requires loving, faithful, kind, patient, forgiving, humble, courageous, wise, unselfish individuals--and the list could go on--, young people should strive to gain these characteristics. Marriages cannot survive unless the spouses acquire these characteristics. Certainly it would be foolish to require that individuals have all these characteristics before they marry, for none of us do. Indeed, the experience of marriage itself undoubtedly helps foster these characteristics. But the fact is that if we do not work at acquiring these characteristics before marriage, we will be acquiring their opposites, such as selfishness, and haughtiness, and impatience--characteristics that are death to a marriage.
Since faithfulness is one of the cornerstones of marriage let me speak of it at a little greater length. For many it seems odd to speak of the need to be faithful to one's spouse before marriage, but such is the case. In a sense, one should love one's spouse before one even meets him or her. One should be preparing to be a good lover, a good spouse, one's whole life. This means reserving the giving of one's self sexually until one is married--for in a sense, one's sexuality belongs to one's future spouse as much as it does to one's self. A few generations ago, it was not uncommon for young people to speak of "saving themselves" for marriage. It is a phrase scoffed at today, but one that is nonetheless indicative of a proper understanding of love, sexuality and marriage. One should prepare one's self for marriage and one should save one's self for marriage.
How does one do so? Obviously by remaining chaste--and that is not an easy prescription. For instance, it means being attentive to what provokes sexual thoughts and desires and avoiding these provocations. It means, most likely, dissociating one's self from many of the forms of entertainment popular today. Those who have a view of sexuality as a gift which one offers one's spouse at the time of marriage cannot afford to be victim to the constant sexual stimulation modern Americans face daily. So we need to be careful what music we listen to, what movies and T.V. shows we watch, and we need to try to dress modestly. We need to try and save sexual thoughts and sexual stimulation for the time when they will not be frustrations but will be welcome preludes to loving union with our spouses. Sexual temptations are, of course, impossible to avoid especially since our society does not seek to make it easier for us; rather it provides temptations around the clock. Christ's teaching that lust in one's heart is wrong, tells us that we must guard our inner purity as well as govern our actions.
It must be acknowledged that few think it sensible for those who are engaged to wait until their wedding night to enjoy sexual union. This view seems to be nearly as widespread among Christians as in the rest of society. Many think waiting until marriage would make sexual intimacy too awkward; that it is good to have a more relaxed and casual time to get to know one another sexually. Most think that since one is soon going to take vows it makes little difference whether sexual intimacy begins before or after a ceremony which simply ratifies a commitment already felt.
What difference does waiting make? Well, certainly a vows is not a vow until it is spoken; unspoken, unratified commitments are all too easily broken. But there are practical reasons as well. Father James Burtchaell at Notre Dame has written a marvelous book, For Better or Worse, laying out many of the reasons why it is best for couples to wait until marriage before they begin their sexual intimacy. He speaks eloquently of the period before marriage as an irreplaceable opportunity for the lovers to get to know one another; engaging in sexual intercourse creates a false sense of closeness; it creates a bond that may be obscuring elements in a relationship which need to be worked on. Courtship is a marvelous time for talking and getting to know each other; for sketching out dreams and plans; for expressing worries and hestitations. The delight of sexual union can easily be a disincentive to working out all the matters that those who are getting married should work out.
But there is perhaps a deeper reason, and that is the question of honesty and trust. Few of those having sexual relations before marriage, especially Christians, can be fully open about their actions. This means that individuals engaging in such relationships must inevitably be deceiving someone--most likely their parents, their teachers, and perhaps their friends as well. The ability to practice such deception does not bode well for one's integrity. The lovers observe that each is good at deceiving and will file away this information and will most likely have reason to wonder in the future if one's spouse is being honest with one's self--after all one's beloved had no trouble deceiving others whom he or she respected. Many Christians feel terrible guilt at violating what are their own deeply held moral principles; some after they are married tend to have guilty feelings about sex. In a sense, they have programmed themselves to think of sexual intercourse as a furtive and naughty activity.
Couples who do wait until marriage to enjoy sexual union often seem to have a special a kind of euphoria about their sexual union. Because they have waited they feel entitled to sexual enjoyment and see it as a privileged good of marriage. They have an easier time developing a deep and abiding trust and consideration for each other. Their willingness to wait, their willingness to endure the strains of sexual continence because they love and respect one another, is a great testimony to their strength of character. They have also shown that sexual attraction is not the most important part of the relationship; they have shown that they enjoy each other's company even when the delights of sexual union are not available to them. Such faithfulness and chastity before marriage ensure greater faithfulness and chastity during marriage. And because of pregnancy or illness or separation, all couples must abstain at some time in the marriage; the acquisition of the virtue of self-mastery before marriage facilitates such necessary abstention.
Young people need to be chaste before marriage not only because of the love they hope to share with their future spouses, but also because of the responsibilities they have to their future children.

Years ago the chief reason for refraining from sexual activity before marriage was fear of pregnancy. Pregnancy was feared both because young people were not prepared to take care of their children and also because there was considerable societal disapproval of sexual intercourse before marriage. The societal disapproval is gone and contraceptives have largely removed the fear--though not the reality--of unwanted pregnancies. Indeed, contraception seems to be one of the chief facilitators of much of the sexual misconduct of our times. There certainly were many fewer teenage pregnacies, many fewer abortions, a lesser incidence of sexually transmitted diseases, etc., before contraception became widely available. Contraception has made people feel secure that they can have sexual union apart from the obligations of marriage and child-rearing. Yet contraceptives do not remove the responsibilities that come with the child-making possibilities of sexual intercourse. Young people are notoriously irresponsible about nearly everything. They are roughly as responsible about using contraceptives as they are about doing their homework, hanging up their clothes, and doing their chores. And even those who use contraceptives are not really safe, since contraceptives do not always work. We must drive home to our young people that they are not ready for sexual intercourse until they are ready to be parents, for sexual intercourse always brings with it the possibility of being a parent.
Getting young people to associate sex with child-bearing is not easy, but it is necessary; in fact, it is important for adults to encourage young people to try to think like a parent. It is wise for parents to talk about parenting with their children. It is good to get them thinking about what they would like to do with their children; to get them thinking about what they want to be able to provide for their children. And parents must convey to their children that they are not a burden to them, that they consider their children to be great gifts from God. Our society almost universally looks upon children as a burden; they are expensive, noisy, troublesome; they stand in the way of careers and adventuresome travel. This view, of course, has not stopped people from having babies, but one senses that many children are just another possession of their parents or just another experience that adults wish to have. Many couples seem to want to have a few "designer children" as adornments to their lives--not as reasons for their lives.
God, it seems, has a preference for children; after all one of his first commands was "be fruitful and multiply." Throughout the Old Testament having many children is listed among the signs of prosperity that indicate God's favor. Psalm 127 states "Behold, sons are a gift from the Lord; the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the sons of one's youth. Happy the man whose quiver is filled with them." Psalm 128 is one of my favorites; it states,

Happy are you who fear the Lord, who walk in his ways!
For you shall eat the fruit of your handiwork; happy shall you be, and favored.
Your wife shall be like a fruitful vine in the recessess of your home;
Your children like olive plants around your table.
Behold, thus is the man blessed who fears the Lord.

God has arranged matters such that parents and children need each other. The experience of parenting like the experience of marriage both requires and fosters many virtues. Having children generally does adults a lot of good; most find themselves becoming more selfless, more patient, kind, loving, and tender when they have children. Learning to live with children has many of the same advantages of living with a spouse; it forces one to accommodate one's self to others; it forces one to acknowledge that one has constant tendencies to be selfish. Staying awake at night with children, dealing with their daily joys and sorrows, learning to be a good example for them, contributes greatly to the maturity of adults.
Christians have a radically different view of children from the rest of society. They understand that their offspring are not their possessions through which they are to live their unfulfilled dreams and have another way of winning the respect of the world around them. Rather, Christians see children as a gift from God, as souls entrusted to them, whom they are to return to God. Among Christians there is a predisposition towards children, for Christians understand that God loves life and wishes to share His glorious creation. Christians are generally more eager and willing to have children because they realize the importance of children to God and depend upon Him to assist them in providing for the children He has given them.
Recently a relative of mine mentioned that he wanted to have a large family but that he did not know how it would be possible to manage financially. He had noticed that I had a large number of friends who started their child-bearing early and had lots of children. Few of the women have paying jobs. He wanted to know how they did it. The question is a good one and I think I know the answer: they trust in God. They regularly live on the edge of things--for the first few years they experience occasional anxiety that another child will be an undue strain on the budget, or they fear that they will not be able to afford a car or house large enough for the growing brood, or they fear that they may not be able to meet food and medical costs. But after a few years, they find that in most surprising and often in quite spectacular ways, their needs are fulfilled. To be sure, they learn to budget and scrimp and save and they are not ashamed to take hand-me-downs and they often learn to live a life that is a little tacky around the edges. But they lack none of their true needs and often enjoy luxuries they never would have dreamed of having. So they come to trust God and live without a lot of obvious security. Trust in God replaces the American desire for perfect security; they do not set their sights on accumulating enough money and material goods to serve as a buffer against the world. With trusting hearts and light hearts they proceed to enjoy their growing families and to soak up the love that flows in big families. And they become ever more generous with what they have. Those with large families seem to have a special generosity and hospitality about them. Guests are extremely welcome and interruptions seem not to be the annoyance they are for most; members of large families seem quite ready to drop everything to help someone else. Slowly but steadily they become better Christians.
Here I would like to broach a topic which is sensitive and controversial; it is a topic about which I have been doing much research, and that is the topic of contraception. I am now doing revisions on a manuscript for a book on Humanae Vitae, the encyclical written by Pope Paul VI which taught that the use of contraceptives is immoral. This teaching has been nearly completely discounted by society as a whole and widely ignored by Catholics as well. Nonetheless, I have found a wisdom in this teaching which I would like to promote among both my Catholic and non- Catholic sisters and brothers in the Lord. One of the great fruits of ecumenism, of course, is that different traditions have much to learn from each other. But it is wrong to think that opposition to contraception is a distinctively Catholic doctrine. It surprises many to learn that the belief that contraception is not in accord with God's will is not a distinctive Catholic belief. The fact is that all Protestant denominations as well as Catholics were opposed to contraception up until 1930. The Anglican Church twice early in this century condemned contraception and then for the first time in 1930 passes a resolution that it was morally permissible for spouses to use contraception. Thus, in the Christian scheme of things, acceptance of contraception is a relatively new phenomenon. Catholics have, perhaps, preserved the teaching against contraception more faithfully, but it is not a teaching exclusive to them.
In much the same way Protestants have more faithfully preached the necessity of tithing, a doctrine not exclusive to Protestants. Many Catholics are now rediscovering the practice of tithing and many of them at the prompting of their Protestant brethern. They have found great spiritual growth through this practice and now in the Catholic press regularly urge their fellow Catholics to embrace this time-honored way of being grateful to God and of trusting in Him. Indeed, I think the doctrine on tithing has some similarities with the teaching that in one's child-bearing one must be generous with God. Some refuse to tithe since they think it foolish to give away money they think they need for their own well-being. Yet, those who are committed to tithing know that on occasion one must give to God what one believes one needs one's self. They give to God and His causes because they know He wants them to, and they trust Him to provide. Being generous in child-bearing is not so very different. Many a married couple will testify to their belief that they thought having another child would be an undue hardship, only to find that having another child was a source of wonderful blessings and splendid joy to them.
Of course, no one would deny that couples on occasion may have good reason to curtail their child-bearing at least for a while--few argue that sometimes spouses would be more responsible in not having more children at a certain time than in having children. This being the case, many do not see why couples may not responsibly use contraceptives to help them space their children or to delay child-bearing if sufficiently good reason exists. They consider contraception a marvelous invention of technology, like many other forms of medicine, and see no reason not to use it, if used responsibly. They find the Catholic counsel of periodic abstinence to be rather irrational. They reason that both contraception and natural methods of family planning are both designed to limit family size, so why not use the most effective method?
Oddly enough, NFP, or natural family planning, is one of the most effective means, if not the most effective means of planning one's family. NFP, of course, is not the out-moded rhythm method, a method which was based on the calendar. Rather, NFP is a highly scientific way of determining when a woman is fertile based on observing various bodily signs. The statistics of its reliability rival the most effective forms of the Pill. And NFP is without the health risks and dubious moral status of contraceptives. It has long been known that the IUD is an abortifacient; that is, it works by causing an early term abortion. Ovulation still occurs and therefore conception may occur; the IUD then prohibits the fertilized egg, the tiny new human being from implanting in the wall of the uterus. Most currently popular forms of the Pill work the same way; that is, they, too, are abortifacients. Furthermore, the pill and the IUD have proven to be dangerous to women in many ways--currently the IUD is off the market in the U.S. because of the many law suits brought against manufacturers. So those who are opposed to abortion and those interested in protecting the well- being of women would certainly not want to be using these forms of contraception. The other forms have aesthetic drawbacks or are low on reliability.
NFP no longer means "not for Protestants." Many non-Catholics are turning to NFP as a means of family planning precisely because they do not want to use abortifacients and they fear the physical risks of contraception. They are finding as a pleasant effect of their decision that the use of NFP has positive results for their marital relationships, for their relationship with their children and their relationship with God.
Many find it odd that periodic abstinence should be beneficial rather than harmful to a marriage. Certainly most who begin to use NFP, especially those who were not chaste before marriage and who have used contraception, generally find the abstinence required to be a source of strain and a cause of considerable irritability. Abstinence, of course, like dieting or any form of self-restraint, brings its hardships; but like dieting and other forms of self-denial, it also brings its benefits. As spouses learn to communicate better with each other--and abstinence gives them the opportunity to do so--, as they learn to communicate their affection in non- genital ways and as they learn to master their sexual desires, they find a new liberation in the ability to abstain from sexual intercourse. Many find that an element of romance reenters the relationship during the times of abstinence and an element of excitement accompanies the reuniting. Spouses using NFP find that they come to understand and respect one another more. Let me read from a letter written by a woman who has used the whole gamut of contraceptive possibilities. Some of the language is rather crude and--but it's not anything you don't hear nightly on T.V.--during family viewing time, at that.

Repartee letter

Why is it that couples who initially and perhaps constantly find difficult the restraint required by NFP, eventually come to sing the praises of NFP? One of the answers seems to be that couples advance in the virtue of "self-mastery" through their use of NFP. That is, they begin to realize that their sexual feelings can be controlled to some degree and that they need to be subordinated to the goods of marriage. Thus, if spouses determine that they could not responsibly have another child at a given time, they have the self-mastery to control their sexuality so that it does not conflict with what they have determined to be good for the family. This self-mastery that they gain spills over into their family life and the rest of their life with favorable results. Again, whenever we gain self-control, whether through curtailing our eating, or drinking, or spending or in our sexual gratification--all activities good in themselves but in need of control--this self-control becomes somewhat easier in other realms of our lives.
Spouses using NFP become very good examples to their children, especially their teenagers who may be wrestling with new and powerful sexual feelings. One man told me about how his practice of NFP assisted him in being a good witness for chastity among the young men at his place of work. They would tease him about being able, as a married man, to have sex on demand (it goes to show how much they know about marriage) but he responded that through the use of NFP he was required to abstain. He argued that if night after night he was able to sleep beside the woman he loved and not have sexual intercourse with her, they could learn to refrain from sexual intercourse with their girlfriends. He believed that parents who practice NFP could much more persuasively urge their children to be chaste before marriage.
Another reason given for the enthusiasm among couples for NFP is their view that couples who use NFP experience a greater bonding than those who use contraception. They claim that there is a more complete giving of one's self to another in a non-contracepted act of sexual intercourse than in a contracepted act. Certainly, no responsible person engages in non- contracepted sexual intercourse with one whom one does not want to have a significant bond--for non-contracepted intercourse brings with it the potential (sometimes symbolic) of a having a child together--and children represent a lifetime bond. Those engaging in contracepted intercourse may intend a lifetime bond but their actions do not express this intention. Those arguing this point cite as strong evidence for their position the claim couples who practice NFP seem to have a nearly non-existent divorce rate.
Couples who use NFP also claim that it brings them closer to God. They believe that God made the human body and that respecting the way the human body works is a way of respecting God. They believe that contraceptives are an obstacle not only to union with their spouses but also to union with God. Couples not infrequently feel that God is present in a special way during their love-making. The emotions that flow and the bonding that takes place during love-making are of a grand and mysterious--not to say sacred--nature. They believe that God is the source of love and life and that He has privileged them with being the transmittors of life through an act of love. They feel that by not contracepting they are leaving God space to perform His act of the creation of a new soul, if He so chooses.
I hope this discussion has served to explain at least to some extent why for nearly the whole of its existence the Christian tradition has been opposed to the use of contraception. I did not go into some of the more complicated moral arguments, nor did I try to address likely objections. I simply wanted to link this teaching with the view that child-bearing is an essential characteristic of marriage.
Certainly it is undeniable that much of the Christian understanding of the need for faithful marriages and for the reserving of sexual intimacy for marriage is linked to the power of sexual union to result in children. Christians must work to convince themselves and others that we should never lose sight of the link between sexual activity and child-bearing. If no one engaged in sexual union who was not prepared to care for any children who result from that union, the modern world would experience a radical change in its sexual behavior.
Christians need to provide apologetics and explanations why faithfulness and why responsibility towards children are two of the defining characteristics of marriage. Moderns, I think, are tired of unfaithfulness, tired of shallow and brief relationships; they crave something more meaningful, something on which they can rely. Young people are rather sick of divorce. There is virtually no one who does not know some chldren who have suffered greatly from divorce. Certainly many of us because of our own foolishness, weakness or wickedness, or because of the foolishness, weakness or wickedness of others may not be able to form the marriage and families which we want and need. We must trust in the grace of God to provide for all those who turn to Him for aid, when matters are not as they ought to be. But the inability of many of us to live or to find what we know to be best, is not a repudiation of what is best. Christians who have the wisdom of the centuries should strive mightily themselves to live chaste lives and to form loving marriages and families, for such is vital to their eternal salvation and such may well be vital to the temporal well-being of the whole of society. 

Premarital Sex - Positives and Negatives
"Is it ok to have premarital sex?" That is a common question among teens and engaged couples. Perhaps you are in a relationship that is progressing in that direction, but you're not sure what to do. In your mind, you are probably weighing the pros and cons of premarital sex. On the positive side of the scale, there is acceptance from your peers, hope for pleasure, and the fulfillment of sexual desires. The negative side of the scale carries the weights of morals, fear of pregnancy or disease, and guilt. How do these scales balance? What is the right decision? Let's take a look at some of the facts.
Premarital Sex - Is it Moral?
Morality is a factor for many people when deciding whether or not to have premarital sex. Is it a factor for you? After all, the messages we receive from most TV shows and movies these days tells us "everyone is doing it." In light of today's permissive attitude, your peers may think you're weird to even question it.

But maybe there is something inside you, like a voice in your head, that is making you uncertain about whether or not sex before marriage is a right or wrong action. Many people refer to this voice as their conscience. How can you know if your "conscience" is right? People all around the world look to the Bible as a moral or religious book, so let's see what it says about premarital sex.

The Bible refers to premarital sex as fornication. That's a word we don't hear much these days, so what does it mean? Fornication is sexual intercourse between people who are not married to each other. The only distinction the Bible makes between premarital sex and adultery is that adultery involves married persons while fornication involves those who are unmarried. Premarital sex is just as much of a sin as adultery and all other forms of sexual immorality. They all involve having sexual relations with someone you are not married to.

The Bible explains, "…The body is not meant for sexual immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body" (1 Corinthians 6:13). Verse 18 of this chapter goes on to say, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." Galatians 5:19 speaks the same, "The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity…" Ephesians 5:3 says it most plainly, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people." From these verses, we see that the Bible promotes complete and total abstinence from premarital sex.
Premarital Sex - Is it Safe Physically and Emotionally?
Another consideration when deciding about premarital sex is safety. Did you know that 50% of the people who currently have HIV are between the ages of 15 and 24?1 Using a condom only reduces the risk of contracting HIV by 85%. Condoms do not significantly reduce the risk of contracting other sexually transmitted diseases.2 Take these statistics into consideration when making your decision.

Most people don't consider the emotional effects of premarital sex. You see, sex is an emotional experience and it affects our lives in ways we don't understand. After engaging in premarital sex, many people express feelings of guilt, embarrassment, distrust, resentment, lack of respect, tension, and so much more. As you read the next section, consider God's love for you as a primary reason for sexual purity. God does not want you to experience unnecessary emotional pain!
Premarital Sex - Recreation or Re-creation?
In discussing premarital sex, we often focus on the "recreation" aspect of it. Yes, sex is pleasurable. God, our Creator, designed it that way. It may be hard to think of God creating sex, but He did! In God's plan, sex was designed for married couples to enjoy the pleasure and excitement of sexual relations. The Bible talks about this in Hebrews 13:4, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral." God created sex to be fun, exciting, and pleasurable. At the same time, though, it is clear in the Bible that God restricts sexual activity to married couples.

Why is this? Yes, sex is pleasurable, but in God's view, the primary purpose of sex is not recreation, but rather re-creation. In other words, sex is for reproduction. God does not limit sex to married couples to rob pleasure from those who are unmarried. Rather, God commands against premarital sex in order to protect unmarried people from unwanted pregnancies, from children born to parents who do not want them, and to protect children from parents who are not prepared for them. Imagine, for a moment, a world without premarital sex. There would be no sexually-transmitted diseases, there would be no un-wed mothers, there would be no unwanted pregnancies, there would be no abortions, etc. According to the Bible, abstinence is God's only policy when it comes to premarital sex. Abstinence saves lives, protects babies, gives sexual relations the proper value, and most importantly abstinence honors God.